random thoughts

I was happy to see 2009 come to an end - it had been a rough year for so many people that I know.  There were two friends that I intended to get in touch with early last year only to find out that they had died suddenly - both of brain tumours.  I regret that I hadn’t reached out sooner.  Such a loss.

Christmas didn’t start well, as my Mother had answered the door which only meant that Dad wasn’t well enough to do so himself.  When I saw my father on Christmas morning, I knew that he was having a rough day, and I also knew deep down inside that it likely was going to be his last Christmas.

Christmas was a big thing for my dad.  As kids, my brother and I had more gifts than the local toy factory.  It wasn’t odd to find that there wasn’t any space in the living room and that you had to be rather clever about finding your way through all the presents in order to find a seat on the chesterfield.  Christmas, after a rough start, ended up being really fantastic.  Mom made the best Christmas dinner that we’d ever had.  Dad got some amazing gifts, and I think he was the one that was tickled pink with all the new stuff that he had received.  He told everyone that he knew that he’d just had an amazing time.

Being worried about my father, I had called every day for almost a week to check on him, and he seemed to be getting better each day.  On January 4th he went to see the family Doctor for a routine checkup, and everything was fine.   He spent the next hour chatting up all the ladies in the office (Dad was quite the charmer) and then went to walk to the car with my Mother, and then collapsed in the parking lot.  It was like someone had flipped off a switch, and then it was all over.  Dad was pronounced dead an hour or so later at the hospital after they’d tried, succeeded, and failed to restart his heart.  We’re still not sure exactly what happened, but the Doctor’s in emergency suspect that it was something catastrophic, as he didn’t appear to be aware that he was in distress prior to collapsing.

Now, two weeks later, I find myself doing okay one moment, and horrible the next.  Today at lunch I couldn’t concentrate on anything as I had been close to someone wearing the same cologne that my father liked to wear.  I don’t even know what it was, to be honest… I just know that for a few moments I was suddenly close to my Dad again, and then the scent blew away and I knew I was never going to see him again.

I really miss my Dad.